Title this nothing...

Sometimes I feel like titles are stupid. This one gets no title. I just got back from a walk. It wasn't long but the point is...it was a walk and I am trying to push myself forward so yesterday and today I have accomplished something I haven't done for months....

I saw Jaime this week and we talked about my Mom and other stuff and this moment I don't feel like typing all that crap out but I do want to send something out to the universe that I was thinking about yesterday. I have been thinking about how I feel when I look at pictures of me when I am thinner...or I guess I should say what I see...and I see JOY. I really do...I see beauty and I see JOY and now...when I see myself I don't see that. I was thinking about it and I know my whole life I have been seeking self acceptance from my Mom and others...but especially my Mom...when dig way down to it. I equate this beauty I am seeing with being acceptable finally and that makes me feel happy...peaceful and acceptable so there is a sense of great relief I see in those pictures. The funny thing is I am not thinking that when I am in that space....but something weird happens there....something starts to stir....that makes it hard to accept that JOY, that happiness to keep it up...because it's kinda fake in a way because it's finding self acceptance from others instead of truly finding it from me...AND finding it in a way that is really healthy. I have always been able to lose weight....but I do it lighting fast and put a lot of pressure on myself to do it in a big hurry and I do it in a way that is hard to keep up a pace for long term. I have to find a balance that works with our life and also allows me to adapt to the changes and work through my feelings about allowing the JOY in for me. I want to able to look in the mirror and see someone I love...NOW. I am tired of blaming and holding on to too many years of baggage....and I need to get rid of this shit.

51

Today is my birthday and so in celebration I walked. Changes are coming and I am going to kick some doors down. I am ready.