Carrying on....

So I don't think I will keep in order here because I just want to put down some thoughts I have been having. Thinking a lot yesterday and I don't know if I can even formulate them in any sense of succession now.... but I will take a stab at it... hmmmmm....

First off...or just to start of....Judgement...HUGE problem I have and it's internal towards myself and it is towards others and it's bad. I have got to figure it out. Little things that have nothing to do with me and are NOT my business at all I seem to find fault with and have an opinion of and I have to stop that...like last night for instance or many other times...on Facebook...people post things that I find irritating...I don't like their pictures, I don't like that they do their kids science fair projects...I don't like the content of their posts...yada yada...I am finally figuring out that rather than getting in a twist and annoyed...there is an easy fix...unfollow....TADA! However...bigger issue....I have got to learn to look at people through a different lense...and not with so much judgement. You know they saying I love so much "not my monkey...not my circus...really needs to resonate more with me." I need to believe that...If people are doing things that really don't affect me or cause me harm then why do I even care?

Next....I am still trying to get to the bottom of why I am so hard on myself....Yesterday I went for a walk and that's all it was...a walk. It wasn't a walk to lose 5 pounds by the 20th or anything stupid like that...it was just...literally a moment to get up...and get out without there having to be a reason...and that felt nice. I am NOT going to pysch myself out about it....if I choose to do it again...then I will but I have to decide that it's okay to do something normal. I have lived my entire life with regards to my weight in extremes...I am either "all in" or nothing at all....and that has proven to be completely not effective. Now....what is the crap my weight...????? I was trying to think hard about how I felt when I have lost so much and what I feel or what I am seeking when I so it...and I realized I am seeking approval from other people and that acceptance that I am good enough makes me feel happy I think. I just figure out that maybe it's kind of a false happiness and it's too hard to keep up with in a unnatural way and if it is not genuine. Growing up....I really wanted to get approval from Mom especially...I wanted to be good enough and then I always felt bigger than other kids and my Mom didn't help that theory. I had friends...many friends but I wanted to be "popular" and accepted by the "in" crowd and I wasn't because I didn't fit in for two reasons... 1. because I was from a very strict home and not allowed to participate any any activities that other kids did 2. In my mind I thought it was my appearance. So I spent my High School years on weird diets, wearing home-made clothes and while I had a boyfriend...our relationship was weird and the entire time I felt fat and ugly and like I was the biggest sinner in my church. I prayed constantly...and so sincerely to be a better person but truthfully I wasn't a person but yet...I thought I was. My parents fought a lot...and I was desperate to make my very sad Mother happy. I loved sitting alone or on the swing deep in thought....but then got badgered that I was up to something...had to have done something wrong...so I would have to make things up to satisfy my Mom. I didn't lie to her but would have to reveal some stupid whatever that might be on my mind so she would get off my back. My Senior year I think we were going to the playoffs so for the first time in my life I skipped choir so I could get a football ticket during lunch and my choir teacher called my Mom to tell her. I got in so much trouble and my Mother called all my teachers and asked them if they thought I was on drugs and they all came to my defense. She was going to have me drug tested...It wasn't long after this that I was put on antidepressants because things were starting to get so bad at home. My brother left for his mission and I was home alone and I was pretty miserable. I slept a lot, worked, went to church stuff and ate...but was just miserable....I had a scholarship in music to a local college but as I started going I just wanted to skip class and hang out with some friends because I felt a little freedom. That resulted in me dropping out but it was okay because I didn't like it and I just didn't want to keep going to school right then...I was hating it anyway....so I did what any good Mormon girl would do who thought she wasn't good enough to get a man....I started working fulltime and decided I would do all my repenting and go on a mission. Yep...otherwise I was not going to be acceptable wife material for any return missionary Mormon guy. I had to swallow all my pride and go vomit up my "sins" for the umpteenth time to my Bishop and ask the church if they would help me go on a mission because my parents would not help pay for it and they said they would...and so that journey began. Anyway.....tired of blogging now...